Every day is something new

I have to clarify some of my religious beliefs, because it is such a huge part of my life.  I grew up believing and praying to God.  I still prayed to Him during times that I didn't feel like I should.  I knew there was a Creator, and I believed that he would answer prayers.  There were periods in my life that I didn't attend church, and times I was ashamed to tell people what my religion was...but only because I knew I wasn't being a very good representative of it!
I talk a lot about praying, because it was the only thing I knew to do after I had exhausted my own resources.  My problem was, I wasn't getting the answers or the miracles I hoped for.  For many of you, I'm sure you've heard "You can choose to be happy."  "God will do anything if you have the faith."  And so on.  Well, both of those are true, but sometimes His answer is leading you to someone that can help.  However, this trial shook so much about my belief of God's qualities, about my own self worth, and my head was so muddled that I couldn't distinguish His voice versus my own.  Hence, the near Exorcist freak out over a sandwich.
I was so hard on myself and had unrealistic expectations (as I now see, over the mounds of laundry that I step over on my way to have fun!) But it was a daily struggle inside myself.  I remember once Tyler asking me why I was mad.  I looked at him funny and told him that I wasn't, so what would make him think that?  He said I just looked like it.  I would catch my reflection sometimes, and I wasn't smiling a lot to the people that deserved it.  I still hurt over that.

My belief was that God loved me enough to give me these particular kids, but He didn't really know me enough to know how desperately I was hurting.  I thought many times that there was a secret code that I couldn't break to get His attention.  I remember crying out to Him one day, "You could move mountains.  You raised the dead.  You can do anything!  Why won't you do this for me?" I was starting to have the faith only of a mustard seed.  But I continued to drag everyone to church... just in case I was building up enough to get Him to realize I was serious.  I am still thankful for the good things I learned and that got me through from week to week by going.  Dragging 4 boys to church is not a big testimony help, though!  It's amazing the conflicting feelings you have about the fact that you got them there, but wanting to beat them at the same time for acting like such stinks!
During the years, I truly did enjoy those kids...Most of the time.  Come 9:00 p.m., my patience was worn and it would just get worse!
  I loved listening to Jordan at 4 years old ride his bike in his underwear up and down and up and down and up and down the sidewalk in front of my bedroom at 6 am.  I loved how Aaron dressed like Batman every day and once told me I was Bat Girl, so I needed to act appropriately.  I loved how Tyler wanted to try new things and loved being in the outdoors with his dad.  I loved Aidans little buckteeth and his coon skin hat that he wasn't embarrassed to wear anywhere.
For my birthday, James and the boys went to get me a birthday cake -- a store bought one that I never got growing up!  This is the scene that I came into the kitchen to see:  James was upset because Tyler had accidentally dropped the cake on his way in.  The lid was on, but half of it was smooshed.  Aaron was going on about how he wanted it to have a dinosaur, but dad wouldn't let him and Aaron couldn't get over it.  While there's the commotion of Aaron whining, Tyler apologizing, James being frustrated, me reassuring everyone it would be ok...there was Jordan, digging into it with his fingers.  It couldn't have been scripted better, and I loved that cake!
I was now content with being the mom of 4 boys.  People would sometimes say things like, "I'm so sorry.  You didn't get your little girl."  "Oh, I bet you just hate having a houseful of boys!" No, I didn't.  I kind of liked it actually.  The boys started making the comments that they wanted a sister, but I would laugh and tell them there wasn't a snowballs chance in Hell.

Jordan, Aidan in wagon, Amber, James, Tyler, Aaron

Madelyn was born less than 9 months later.  I was pregnant with her and had no idea.  We didn't know what gender the baby was, but everyone had their fingers crossed.  We slipped away to the hospital in the middle of the night, only waking Tyler to tell him to take care of the kids the next morning.  We called the kids immediately after she was born and after Ty hung up with us, he was already making the calls to family, "I have a sister!"  He was so excited and he loved on her.  She was going to have lots of good brothers looking after her. In fact, the boys all wanted Maddie to sleep in their room, as if she was a new puppy.  But I would catch every one of them crawling next to her in my bed or even in her cradle to be close to her
My life had begun to be more peaceful. Maddie brought that little tenderness into our home that everyone needed.  My medicine was helping me not to have the deep anxiety or crippling fears, I din't feel so muddled or confused.  Little things happened throughout my days to help me know that He did know my name, and know who I was,  but I felt deep down at some point, there would be something big.  There always is.