Intro

Why I decided to write a Blog...

I have always liked writing.  When I was in 6th grade, I had to write a story for ALP (Advanced Learners Program), and I loved it.  My teacher said if we were interested, she could look into having it published.  Of course, I was a little afraid of looking stupid, so I opted to take the safe route and just keep it in my own handwriting, tucked away in a box somewhere.  What if people loved it and wanted me to write more?!  How would I deal with success?  Fame?  Pressure to come up with more brilliant works?  So I took the pressure off of the world and kept my little dream to myself.

I did well through high school in my creative writing classes, and was content to hear positive comments from my teachers.  "That made me laugh!"  "Did your dad really do that?!" "A +++++"  my Sophomore year, the teacher discreetly asked me to join the yearbook.  Only Juniors and Seniors got to be on the Yearbook Committee and they had to apply.  She wanted me!! I was proud to have my picture among the others on our yb page.  Despite what people may think, those were some of the funniest girls I ever had the pleasure of getting to know.  They could make me squirt milk out of my nose from laughing so hard, and wet my pants long before babies wrecked my bladder and made it a daily occurrence.

I remained on the staff the next 2 years and got to see things about the people I went to school with that maybe not everyone got to see.  It was our goal to make it a yearbook about everyone that attended A.F. High, not just our friends.  I think I had a little more understanding and fondness for the people I shared adolescence with.  That, and I got to stare at the photos of really cute guys without them thinking I was weird.

I tried to write some small stories in my spare time once I was in college and while I lived in Sun Valley, but let's face it, if you have that much alone time in college, you're really not getting your full college experience!  I did my required homework, and did a lot of having fun.  I kep my creative juices flowing, though, by decorating my dorm with my roommates, making crafts on a college girls budget.  I learned how to improvise and be frugal, yet still have a great room.

When I got married, my husband had a son, Tyler, so we became an instant family.  No honeymoon period, or crazy newlywed escapades.  I went right into motherhood, and I just kept going, having 3 more boys and a darling, if not slightly demented little girl.   We moved to this small town immediately after our honeymoon where I knew...NOBODY.  I missed my family.  I missed having friends.  I missed having a college budget because now I had a house payment and I had to make food for more than just myself.

My sisters gave me 3 rubber stamps for my birthday, so I started scrap booking.  Every page alternated between Donald and Daisy Duck and a set of bunnies.  It was cheap, could occupy my time, and let me journal.

I scrap booked for all of my children.  My kitchen table was never cleaned off for long.  I would stay up late to get books made.  I would spend every extra penny in the craft store.  I would smell the new paper and hoard it.  What if I wanted to do a page and didn't have the perfect piece of paper?!  That would be terrible!  My scrap books were my journals.  Of course, I didn't usually write down the negative thoughts or feelings.  That was locked in my head, so when I flipped back through them, I remembered events, while documenting the positive to everyone else that would read them.  I'm the same way with books.  Almost every book I have read has another story to me.  I remember things that were going on in my life when I read it, how the book made me feel, what I wanted to remember from it.  

I haven't touched my scrap booking supplies for almost 4 years.  I stopped being excited about being creative, and sometimes I am afraid that I can't get the passion back.  I really loved that about myself, and I miss it.  I tried to tackle it a few weeks ago after my hysterectomy.  I thought it was a perfect time to catch up and get my kids' pictures out of the dresser drawer and onto pages we could all admire.  It was a mess!  I couldn't organize my thoughts or handle looking at pictures of my kids.  My oldest son, Tyler passed away 4 years ago this December and I'm having a harder time now than before.  After his funeral, I went to my craft room and put away the paints, the markers and scissors, tucked the photos away.  Didn't touch my saws or wood patterns, couldn't find the time to work on my embroidery.  So everything SAT.  It wasn't because I felt guilty for doing those things...it was because I just couldn't find my fun.  My release.  I was overwhelmed and doing those things just took away from the things I "should" be worrying about, and my brain just couldn't function that way anymore.  

A childhood friend has been doing a project on "Capture your Grief" and I have been reading her journaling every day.  It got me to thinking about working through the things that have made me sad, and how my writing down thoughts, events and feelings have helped some things become clearer.  I didn't lose an infant, so I wouldn't participate in the "Capture Your Grief", but I wanted to be able to write down the things that make me...me, and journal my experience of losing a son.  Maybe one day my kids will read this and understand that I wasn't put on this earth just to mess with their program.  I am very much alive and trying to get through each day just like they are.  

I don't care if nobody ever sees this.  This isn't for me trying to get my opinion out to the world.  This isn't for me trying to make new friends.  This is all for me.  Sometimes it might be rough, but it's still mine, and I guess there is no right or wrong way feel.  Besides, I don't think the world is ready for this amount of crazy, so instead of thinking about how I'll handle interviews and red carpet events, I'll just be content with this!