Tuesday, October 22, 2013

It didn't happen in a day

Where do I want to start?  My Life has now been categorized into 2 time frames.  Before Tyler and After Tyler.  Dr. Phil talks about our defining moments in life and if we recognize those, they usually tell a story of how we became who we are.  This is a huge defining moment in the life of Amber.
But my life isn't just about this moment or the ripple effect (or monsoon effect) from it.
I became an instant mother when I married James.  I didn't know how to act with a 5 year old.  If I acted like a babysitter, then I wasn't setting firm roles.  If I acted too much like a Nazi, then I wasn't enjoying this child.
I don't know why we had such a rocky start to our marriage, but it wasn't all that fun for either of us.  As I would learn much later, we were both bringing toxic things into it.  It was hard to bond with a child whose father I couldn't bond with easily.  But I would kneel down every day and ask Heavenly Father to help me love this little boy like he deserved.  I had my firstborn, Aaron the following winter.  Being his mother, I bonded immediately.  Fell head over heels in love.  He fell in love with Ty and adored everything he did.  For having 6 years age difference, Tyler knew how to have fun with him.  He would dress him up for combat, lock him in the dog's kennel, push him in the swing and help him into the car seat.  Aaron couldn't wait to catch up to Tyler.

One day, I overheard a neighbor talking about his "half brother", who was a baby.  Every time he would refer to the baby, it was with those words.  Pretty soon, I noticed Tyler trying out the words.  I knew I was his step mother, and I fully expected him to not know what to call me, or to forever refer to me as his step mom, but I couldn't handle him calling Aaron that.  I explained to him that Aaron knew no differently.  As far as he was concerned, they shared a womb.  I asked him to please understand that we didn't need to label where someone came from when all that mattered was how much we loved.  He never referred to any of his brothers or his sister as "half" from then on, and neither did they.
Tyler was all boy, which was hard for me.  I never really could stand little boys.  They didn't know how to sit still, they picked their noses, they were mischievous, broke things, didn't appreciate a good book and long talks.  Plus, they smelled.  I wanted a delicate little girl.  Someone just like me.  Instead,  I got Aaron.  We joked about how he had to have had a twin that didn't make it down, so Aaron got double the personality.  He was just as much a boy as Ty, with some definite quirks.  He walked around with a tool belt, gathered bugs, made messes and stunk. I caught him bathing in the (clean!) toilet once just to try it out.  My heart started to soften towards boys.  But they could still infuriate me!  Ty was always getting demerit slips for something or another, so being the ever vigilant mother, he would get in trouble for the demerits.  He was going to learn how to act in school, by george! Until one day, I opened his bag and saw 1/2 dozen notes about how naughty he was.  As I read through them, I was getting more irritated.  "Swinging on the stair rail", "talking in the lunch line",  "Peeing on the fence".  I just wanted to yell, "Let him be a kid, for hell sakes!!"  Heck, what kid wants to take time out of recess to go to the bathroom?  I'd pee on the fence too, if I could get away with it.  He stopped getting punished twice for demerit slips.  He didn't need every adult in his life trying to take away his natural exuberance.  The notes still came, but my attitude about it helped him, and pretty soon, they were coming in smaller quantities.
Fishing on the Teton River



One thing I learned early on with Tyler was that life was really too short to spend it mad.  I'm a girl.  Girls hold grudges...even when we've forgotten all the details.  As a young mom, I was holding a grudge toward him for something that he had done.  I really was mad, and I was going to let him stew about it as long as I was!  A few hours went by and he asked why I was acting mad.  I told him why, (he was just a kid... I knew it would take forever to wait for him to remember.  He would have good training for when he was older!) he looked at me and said, "You're still mad?  I forgot about it."  How crushing, yet how wonderful.  He wasn't holding on to bad feelings, and he was the child.  He was acting better than me, and I was ashamed.
My heart started to soften some more for these little creatures that were so different from me.  I was starting to see how beautiful Heavenly Fathers plan was to create such opposites.  We could both learn from each other, and learn how to love someone so confusingly different.  I really tried after that to not hold onto grudges over petty things.  I'm not perfect at it, especially if you ask James, but I do know that life is just way too short to spend it mad at those we were meant to love.  I'm so glad that smelly little boy taught me that early.




2 comments:

  1. Amber, I just want you to know I am loving this and I am very proud of you for taking the time to do this for YOU and for your family. Yes, you are a great writer. Yes, you are a great person. Keep it up. I will be anxiously watching.

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  2. Jacki, you made my day! I'm so glad to call you my friend!

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