Face the Sun

With your Face to the Sun, the Shadows Fall Behind

James and I planned on having another baby.  He was always really good with kids and I knew that if I had met a man that had his child full time, he wasn't one to not care about his own.  The baby decided it was ready to come down earlier than we had planned (I don't know how that stuff happens!) and I was excited!  Yay!  I had now finally figured out how little boys worked, so I could have my sweet little girl.  It would be perfect!  Only, 2 weeks AFTER my due date...in JULY...while we lived in a single wide trailer...My gorgeous boy, Jordan was born.  What happened to the little girl?  Apparently, there was still more to learn.
These boys were so wonderful to their brother!  Tyler couldn't wait to help Jordan learn to walk.  Incidentally, it was also Tyler that spent so much time patiently teaching both the boys how to rollerblade and how to ride their bikes.
Aaron was always a jabberjaws and when he was learning to talk, you might understand one or two words.  Jordan was content not to say a thing until one day he perfectly said "cow".  He would only use one or two words to communicate, and Aaron would do the rest of the talking for him.  I absolutely loved being a mom.
Now, you need to keep in mind that marriage for me was hard.  I didn't know what I was doing and I felt like I wasn't figuring it out very quickly.  But I was dedicated to raising these kids as a family.
In 1999, I remember the day I knew something inside me changed.  I loved my husband, he loved me, but we weren't good at letting each other know it.  My brain was broken.  I was exhausted, and I was wondering what in the world my purpose was.  I mean, I was taught to work before play, so I neglected a lot of play.  Other moms were going to the park daily, but I was folding laundry.  There was always more laundry, and I didn't feel like I should go "play" if my work in the house wasn't done.  I started to become anxious and withdrawn, and there were things that one part of my brain would be saying, "Amber, come on!  It's not that big of a deal."  The broken part said, " Why isn't anybody listening to me?!  I'm freaking out and I don't know what's a big deal anymore!"
I found out I was expecting my 3rd baby, and I was just too overwhelmed.  We weren't trying for a baby, not planning for one, and I cried and cried.
I got an ultrasound to determine the sex, knowing I absolutely did not want more kids, so this needed to be the girl I waited for.  They circled the part on the ultrasound that showed that this absolutely was not going to be a girl.  I cried for 3 days, and got over it.  I loved the kids I had, so did it really matter what sex they were?  But the crying didn't stop.  I cried because I felt absolute despair over everything.  I became a terrified person.  I knew something was wrong with my baby because of my initial feelings of being pregnant.  I knew something was going to happen to one of the other kids. I knew at some point God was going to punish me for things I had done, but I just couldn't figure out what or when.   Leaving the house was scary because I couldn't face what might happen.  I would cry when I heard the firehouse siren...certain that they were responding to one of my family members.  I worried that maybe it was me or James that would die, leaving my children alone.  I spent a lot of time on my knees begging God not to make me have to go through my fears.

Aaron, Jordan, Tyler and baby Aidan

This break in my brain was another defining moment.  It affected so much of my personality and the freedom I wanted to allow myself and the kids to live.   I became quite a negative person during this time.  I found fault with everyone and everything.  I was so over trying to find the good in a person.  Everyone had an agenda, no one was REALLY your friend, it was a dog-eat-dog world, and I certainly couldn't find one thing that anyone could love about me.  I deserved my unhappiness, but I didn't want it.  I prayed every day that it would go away, but every day it didn't.
My angel Aidan was born in 2000.  He was exactly what I needed!  He was the sunshine in my cloudy day, he was absolutely perfect and God had heard my excessive prayers on behalf of him.  My heart still swells when I remember holding him for the first time and knowing I was not worthy to be his mother.  I held Heaven in my arms.
Shortly after Aidans birth, James asked me if I could bring him something different for lunch the next day, because he was getting tired of eating sandwiches.  I remember thinking at that moment how much I despised this request.  Didn't he know how hard it was for me to even THINK about making a sandwich, let alone DOING it?! Didn't he know how much I didn't want to get in the car?  Didn't he know that I was hearing "You're not doing enough?"  No.  He had no clue.
I was so relieved and embarrassed when the doctor started treating me for depression.  Women that were grateful didn't get depressed.  Talk about feeling worse about myself.  I felt like I had a disability that my family had to accommodate on tiptoes.  "Don't do that or Mom'll lose it."  "Can't say that cuz I don't know if Mom will start crying or not."
I wanted so much to be happy because I had so much to be happy about.